Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
You Might Also Like
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo