her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
You Might Also Like
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I am also baked goods
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.