My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
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Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Just say no
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh