Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.