10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
You Might Also Like
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Skills
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.