It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
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I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.