Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
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Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“you changed” bro i was 15
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.