(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.