Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
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Good boy 😂😂
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom