Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I am all good here, 😂😉
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.