“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]