People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
bury ourselves
the way this pissed me off… 😭
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.