Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[eats all your cotton candy]