dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
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ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.