Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
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Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….