don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Breaking news:
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I am having an out of money experience.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.