ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
#milo
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.