Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
You Might Also Like
we’re dead?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father