That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
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I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I’m going to need a moment here.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.