I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”