When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
me hooking up with my ex