When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.