Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
starting a garage orchestra
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom