I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I cannot stop laughing at this
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
This could be us but you eatin’
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won