Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
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DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
yes yes a thousand times yes!