I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.