Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
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Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
i smell a pulitzer
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING