Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami