[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.