People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
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I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!