Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
turning my gender off to conserve energy
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Blew out my flip flop…