I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
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(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.