Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.