They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
OKAY DAD
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”