You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
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There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Swedish for common sense.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Britain be like
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
back to work
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?