While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
One venti cheeseburger please.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
kitchen magnet
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.