I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.