No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
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This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Its true…
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.