“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Fidel Castro was alive?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
*pronounces surface like Versace*