My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.