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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
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4.
5.awesome
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done