Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Don’t talk down to me
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The Sun
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.