I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Banking tips
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.