The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers