My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
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It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints