Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Customer is always right
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
RT if you could go either way.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.