Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
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The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Mornin. * use accordingly
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.