What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes