Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.