*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
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Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.